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Souvenirs are just tatty trash, you’re insane if you buy them…

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There are idiots, there are complete idiots and then, as we travel further out into uncharted zones of stupidity, there are those benighted fools who buy holiday souvenirs.

When I travel on budget airline flights – whose principle appeal is presumably that they allow you to save money – I am amazed at the journey down the aisle of the ‘gift’ trolley which allows passengers to buy small bears in flying helmets at stupidly vast prices. Surely nobody who cares about saving money would buy such idiotic rubbish?

But they do. People who should know much better dump their surplus Euros and acquire tatty trash for the children of neighbours and relatives. ‘Here’s a bear in a flying helmet.’ Even the most enthusiastic eight-year-old will surely reply: ‘Er…great. Er…thanks.’

Same scenario, different location: a cruise ship. Cruise passengers, according to research from online cruising travel agency www.bonvoyage.co.uk has revealed that holidaymakers on cruises spend triple the amount of money on souvenirs than those on dry land holidays.

The majority of these cash-happy idiots reckon that they buy ‘at least one souvenir’ in each port.

Let’s get this straight. A holiday ‘souvenir’ is an object, by definition, which has no useful function. It is designed to sit on a shelf, desk or mantelpiece gathering dust.

An Hawaiian hula dancer that randomly gyrates; a donkey in a straw hat; a glass with layers of different coloured sand.

All purchased in the belief that someone might like a little gift. Or bought by you to provide a reminder of your happy holiday.

The truth is nobody wants a tatty souvenir as a gift. A bottle of wine? OK, if it’s decent wine. And the only thing that offers a reminder of a happy holiday is a decent photograph.

If you have money to waste on souvenirs, can I suggest that you send it to me instead? I can put it to very good use…

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